From Yellow to Green Light

It was 7th July 06… and I had arranged to meet up with Rebecca’s Dad for dinner that evening near our workplace. After much contemplation for quite some time, I finally managed to gather my boldness to speak with him about my relationship with his daughter, Rebecca.

I wasn’t scared, but more of cautious about how I should approach this topic with him, for this is the first time that we will be discussing this issue officially and clarifying any issues face-to-face at the dinner table.

I didn’t really rehearse what exactly to say… and looking back, 99% of the words that came out of my mouth were not even planned at all. I am just so surprised how this turned out, especially with both of us feeling tired after a long day of work.

In fact, I was afraid that he would be too drained to discuss this, but I had already did my best to consider this by choosing Friday coz it was the last day of the work week, thus trying to bank on the realization that both of us can forget about work till Monday comes again. Thankfully, the dinner and discussion went well… and both of us seemed rather at ease during the chat.

My other reason for not really rehearsing is because I wanted my words to come forth as honest and natural from my heart. I didn’t want to plan for it as if I was preparing to make a presentation to some corporate client or think up a strategy to twist things around to work for my benefit. I don’t do this kind of thing… and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to do it… coz I sincerely want their blessings for me to be with Rebecca. Relationships should not be about cheating or scheming. I just want to be myself, honest and true to people. I don’t want anything to be covered up. I want to lay out all my cards and seek their approval honestly.

And that was what I did. The dinner and chat with Uncle John at Ah Meng Café lasted from 8pm to 9:30pm. Thereafter, he needed to go home coz he promised to bring Amos downstairs to play basketball.

As like any normal conversation, it began with the casual talk about work, family, etc. Uncle John asked me how I find my work and whether I enjoy it. I said that I do enjoy my work (though later on I did mention that I hope that I would get a pay increment at the end of my probation).

Uncle John asked if I am planning to further my studies and I said no because further education is too expensive and it doesn’t guarantee a job, neither does it necessarily equip me to do my work better, since business degrees are still general and management in nature, rather than technical or skill related. I don’t see the point and I prefer to have better use for my money.

Uncle John also asked whether I read books and what kind of books that I read. I shared that I read both fiction and non-fiction, be it Christian and general topics. Among other topics, I mentioned that I am particularly keen about military books such as books on the Vietnam War. Partly it is due to a bit of influence from my Grandfather and my Dad… this is what I shared… but this could also be attributed to the nature of movies that I watch too, for example Rambo, etc.

After we finished our food and settled down comfortable with our remaining half drunk glass of drink, I took the cue of sudden silence to put forth my main reason for giving him a dinner treat this evening. Partly, it is because Uncle John gave me a treat before I left StarHub at this café, so I wanted to give him a treat too, now that I have found another job. But more specifically, it is because I wanted to take this opportunity to find out about his view towards my relationship with Rebecca for the past 5 years. I hesitated in sharing plainly that we hoped to get their blessings to get married coz I felt that perhaps I should let him speak first, in case there were any differences or misunderstandings that we may need to clarify and sort out.

After I had said that, Uncle John paused for about 1 – 2 seconds before asking me two questions in unison. His first question was “Do you like her?” I said yes… and his second question was “Do you love her?” I said yes without even blinking. Thinking back, I found my response quite astonishing. Its not that I wasn’t telling the truth, but rather it was more of how smoothly and comfortably I answered his two questions in union over just a mere 2 – 3 seconds in total. I guess I must be so convinced that I didn’t even blink or think. Yeah, I do like and love her.

Thereafter, Uncle John began to share with me some of the important attributes that I should have, if I am looking forward to marriage. Firstly, he shared that it is most important that both of us love God. If this criterion is not met, any relationship will be difficult to work out. My guess is that because God is out of the relationship, an ignorant couple will be deliberately shutting Him out of their relationship / marriage… and if this is so, how can God work to change their hearts and ways to make their relationship / marriage better?

Uncle John emphasized that it is not so important whether the other person is the right person for you. But rather, if both people love God, the relationship can be worked out. With that, he asked me to ask myself if I love God. I replied saying that our step towards holiness is a lifetime journey. It isn’t accomplished overnight. To me, what’s important is that I am humble and willing to be changed by God.

He went on to say that money is not the issue when two people consider getting married coz if both people love God, things can be worked out and to live simply. He shared this phrase – “We live simply, so that others may simply live.” Having said that, he altered the phrase into his personal purpose in life, and that is – “We live simply and help other to simply live.” That is his heart and calling, to help others with what God has given him.

One other thing that he shared was about how to have joy. JOY stands for Jesus, Others and You. That is the order in which we should live our life. Thoughtful consideration, be it with people or your own spouse. In addition, he also shared that the reason why Jesus spoke in parables is because only those who are ready will understand. And I believe God will reveal things to me over time too.

Uncle John also said that it is good that we attend talks on marriage coz that was what he used to do with Aunty Molly before they got married. I shared that Rebecca and I want to, but there are very few of such talks nowadays, except pre-marital counseling. But we are reading up on Christian books and will look out if there are such seminars or talks about Christian marriage.

The next issue that Uncle John brought up is about being financially independent of our parents. That we should live according to what the Bible says about a man and a woman leaving their parents and cleave to one another. Likewise, when Rebecca and I are planning to get married, we should plan to start our own home and family… sometimes coming back to visit our parents. He does not encourage us to live with either side of the parents… and I reassured him that we plan to have our own home and my parents also advocate financial independence and not borrowing money from them.

Third and lastly, Uncle John shared that when I marry a person, we don’t just marry this person, but we marry the entire family. This means that it is important to get to know the person’s family and relatives… not to isolate from them. In my case, I should come by to visit Rebecca’s family. I shared that I am keen to do so, except that sometimes it is late and I don’t wish to disturb the family. This is my frank and honest sharing with him. On the other hand, Amos tends to be hyper-active when I am around in the house and would refuse to do his homework.

Uncle John smiled and acknowledged my sharing. I was surprised that he told that when he was courting Aunty Molly, even when it was late, he still made it a point to come into the house to talk to the family members. And for me, I could make an effort to send Rebecca home earlier, so that I have more time to interact with her family. And if Amos is distracted, Uncle John told me that I can actually scold him or tell him to do his homework. Wow… I was surprised that he said that!

As a whole, these are 3 general issues that were brought up and discussed. I am glad that Uncle John approves of me and Rebecca planning to get married. As I sometimes use this example to tell Rebecca - we have passed Phase 1, which is working out our relationship together. Now we have passed Phase 2A, which is getting our parents’ approval and blessings. Thus, we are now at Phase 2B, which is preparing for marriage before finally reaching Phase 3 where we actually become a married couple. May God show us the way to prepare for this… Amen!