After Work Reflections

My working schedule has been hectic for the past 2 weeks (including this week). Of coz, I am not comparing with any other occupation in this world, or any other backward third world country. But the truth is that I really am up till my nose in my growing pile of work. Literally ‘nose’, not ‘neck’ level. ‘Neck’ level means still can breathe and tread water. ‘Nose’ level means cannot breathe properly already and struggling to stay afloat.

Indeed, this is very true. I have lost my appetite since the past week till now. Worse still, I didn’t even have the appetite or the time to eat my lunch for the past 3 days! Just rushing here and there, meetings after meetings, responding to e-mails after e-mails, and occasional get ‘shot’ by ‘arrows’ from my superiors.

My meals have been irregular, though I do make sure that I have at least 7 hours of sleep each night. Thankfully, in the midst of the germs that are around, at the office and in public transport… I am still relatively well, except for the recent slight bleeding nose… probably due to the heatiness from the lack of water and food. I really do want to change, but very often, I don’t even have the time to go to the toilet, while in the midst of rushing all my work.

In the midst of all these, it is also not easy trying to manage between two bosses – the Executive Director and my Dept Head. Both have their tasks assigned to me and I really am trying to do as much as I can. But it is really not easy to cope with all the workload. Plus, I also have to work with a colleague under me to make sure that things are still going reasonably well for our project.

My job has its toils, worries and question marks… but oh well, that’s working life. Sometimes I get so busy at work that I come home feeling listless, bored and lonely. I just don’t know what I should do at home, or what I want to do. I just don’t feel like doing anything. Is it because I am tired? Work definitely saps my energy, but I am not exhausted yet, thankfully… or maybe it’s because I try to get at least 7 hours of sleep every night.

But even so, I am getting worried about this listlessness that I feel every evening when I come home from work. I dislike being lonely, yet I don’t really enjoy being around people whom I do not know, or especially when I don’t like their presence. I start to ask myself if is it my body clock telling me that life and relationship is getting dull, and it’s time to move on to get married.

Well, I do want to get married, hopefully soon… coz I really do look forward to having a wife, home and children of my own. It’s a heavy responsibility, but at least I know that I belong to a group of people whom are my family… my own flesh and blood.

Parents are still important to me, but I guess at a certain stage in life, I do feel a desire to move on with my life; to make something out of it. Not just doing my best where I am at in my job, but also in terms of my social life, and more specifically, in the area of my relationship with the woman whom I love and want to spend my life with.

This is one of the rare Blog entries that I just type whatever I am thinking, coz I really can’t be bothered about structure or organized content right now. It’s rather messy up there in my mind, clouded with thoughts and my heart clogged with feelings that I have no way of expressing them. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying hard not to recognize my humanity… or am I trying to shun away from the human nature which I am made up… or does freedom of expression and belongingness only begin after getting married… I really don’t know.

Where exactly do friends stand in my life? Almost none. Why? Coz we are all so busy with our own careers and are tired out at the end of each day. On the weekends, my greatest hope is to spend time with my girlfriend, coz she is by far the only person whom I can be free to be myself and relate whatever crap and shit that I have to express out to her.

Maybe that’s why I am feeling listless or starved at times, coz there is no one whom I can express anything to at the end of each long work day. I come home, eat dinner, shower… then start wondering what should I do before I sleep? And I stare blankly, coz I really don’t have any mood to do anything… and I am all alone in my own room… away from my loved one, and stuffed up in my own subconscious thoughts, without any means to release or express them.

Now that’s something about having a special person in my life. Relating to this special individual is just different, compared to everyone else around me. There is just a sense of comfort just knowing that this special woman is right next to me. It’s a feeling of security and coziness that I can’t find in anyone else in this world.

Talking about God, well… I really don’t know how stale my relationship has been with Him. I do know it’s important to pray, but I really don’t know what to say coz my heart is just clogged up with so many unexpressed things, coz there is no one around to share them with. I don’t even know where to start and what words to start to pray. Anyway, God knows what’s in my heart and mind, so what in the world should I say?

I think of Job (in the Bible) grumbling to God in prayer, and once in a long while, I do get this feeling of grumbling at Him for things… but after some time, as life goes on, I just feel that there isn’t much point of making a fuss out of things, coz the situation won’t change much anyway. And many a times, either God is silent or I just can’t hear from Him. Yet there are times that God may choose to remain silent, I don’t know. So I have gotten to the stage of feeling dry and stagnant… without inspiration… and just accepting things the way they are right now.

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I am just letting my fingers do the typing, coz I really don’t know who to turn to. And even while I am typing, I wonder how I would feel after I post this Blog… and I realized that I still wouldn’t feel any better. Yet what should I do then? I really don’t know… Sleep early to forget my troubles?

Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I am beginning to sleep early (besides the fact that my girlfriend needs to sleep early) coz I am really tired of dwelling on my starved heart and dry spirit. But yet, I cannot deny that this doesn’t exist… that this isn’t happening… What should I do? What should I think? What is the right way to feel? Are these all the wrong questions that I should ask? What are the right answers? Who can I express them to? Who will respond to me? Sigh…

My birthday is coming… What should I wish for? To get married and have a wife and companion of my own? Sure, I can wish for that… but it still seems so far away… and I don’t know if this is the solution to the problem that I am facing. But it is still my heart’s desire to move on to the next phase of my life and relationship.

Despite all the quick thinking and logic that I have picked up in my job, one thing that I learnt is that logic cannot mend a broken heart… but love can. Knowing the love of God, as well as the loved one that I have in my life…