My First Audit Experience (1/3)

It's been a depressing week for me (yup, even though its only Wednesday). I have been trying to psycho myself to stay happy, but my attempts have not been very successful. Of course, what happened isn't extreme or disastrous, but it has made me brood a lot lately.

I will share about my first external audit experience in this Blog entry & share about the rest of my unhappiness in the next Blog entry.

Firstly, I am supposed to be granted early release from my current job since last Wed... but 1 week after my supposedly early release date, I am still stuck in this office. And it seems that I will continue to be stuck here for another week or so, until the official date where I start clearing my block leave. Why? Coz of the sickening external audit that is taking so long to get through. So complex to audit funding schemes! I would never want to get involved in audit for funding schemes again. There are all sorts of scenarios that are beyond my human ability to control or resolve & often enough, there are various circumstances that would occur to hinder smooth completion of such external audit.

This is my first occurence of handling an external audit all by myself, with nobody to help or advice me. But then again, what's new... ever since I joined this department, especially since I am 1 of the early pioneers, I have always been thrown into the 'deep sea' & struggle by myself. Occasionally when I coach my relatively new colleagues who recently joined the team for just 1-2 months, I will reflect back on the time when my ex-colleague Steven & I were struggling on our own, wondering about this, worrying about that, figuring out this, calling to find out that, etc. There was nobody to guide us, but ourselves to learn from our own mistakes. But we did learn a lot, I must say... Thank God for that, though it was a hell of a time in our time in this company.

Being my first experience with an external auditor (from a very small audit firm), I discovered that auditors tend to be very rigid in their ways of looking & analzying things. And I hope it isn't too subjective to feel this way, but perhaps this sort of job really makes the person think very objectively, factually & don't really put much emotion or fun people-relations into the job. Like that means like that. So difficult to convince otherwise. Straight-forward & no jokes, just work.

Its so different from how I have adapted to my current job, coz in this job, I have learnt to be flexible & consider several approaches to get things done, as well as 1 important thing, which is to learn to take things in my stride & be courageous to laugh at myself & learn from mistakes. Many precious lessons that I have learnt here. I should jot them down & remember them.

Anyway, I really hope that this audit would just end coz its like carrying this huge & heavy anchor on my shoulders, weighing me down. Nobody to share my struggles coz none of the other team members are involved... & I am left all alone to handle this. Since my ex-colleague Steven left, I have been the main target for almost everything concerning this funding scheme. I find it so difficult to bear something, even though I do not always show it on my face (I hope).

Honestly, there has been a few instances that I just feel like walking over to tell my Manager or ED that I wish to leave right this moment... they can stop paying my salary as of today... coz I am just so tired of all this going on in this job... my lifestyle & health have taken its toil during my time here... I have aged (yeah, can you believe that for the first time in my life, there are actually people who think that I look older than my age)... worse still, I have grown sceptical (what's new in this type of work, I am just not cut out for it).

I really need to move on... I really need time to get away & just FORGET what the heck has happened during the past 19 months! To shed off as much emotional baggage that I have been carrying month after month... find my direction in life... refresh myself for my next job... & start afresh... to hell with all this mess, worries & politics that are going on here...

Not that I dislike my colleagues, although there has been quite a number of unhappy incidents (maybe there are more that I don't know about), but I just can't put myself to doing this job any longer. My energy & motivation have been spent. I feel aimless now... even though I sleep 7 hrs every night, I still wake up feeling mentally tired... & emotionally drained... I don't even feel like doing anything during the weekends too... I just want to run away & hide... & be alone for awhile.

But then, when I think of myself as running away from my problems, I hold back... coz I want to be strong... mature... & leave this place with my head high... heck whatever bad things that others may want to think, imagine or talk behind my back. I don't wish to be a coward, a tortoise or snail... so I cry out to God almost everyday... sometimes from the agony within my heart... though my face shows nothing (I hope).

I ask God to help me to get through this time... whatever remaining days that I have left in this company... however draggy it may be... however unappreciated I may feel... however misunderstood I may agonize from... & when I look back 1 year from the day that I leave... I will find myself a different person... a better person... "Strength comes for the task"... says King Saul, the hare... from the inspiring book titled 'A Wolf's Story'... by James Bryon Huggins... its the most moving & encouraging book that I have ever read during my JC days...