Wrong About Myself?

This year has really been a time of discovery for me, where much has been revealed about myself. From my experience working under Uncle John, till working under Benjamin Tan, then later under Gladys Thio, before being jobless for 2 months right now... Not forgetting my training & expedition to Kota Kinabalu, then later joining California Fitness gym in August.

Although most of these eventful happenings involve mainly myself, all these have changed my perception of myself just these few months before I turned 25 this September. Looking back, it's really quite crazy to imagine how much has happened this year, now that it's closing to an end.

I believe everything happens for a reason... & my stumbling upon an enthusiasm & passion for sports & fitness isn't a coincidence. But it did make me think quite a lot. And this came in right after I left my job in Telco... wondering if this industry is really not suited for me. And till date, I still think so, coz I just find it difficult coping with rapidly changing technical specifications & the Telco market in Singapore is just evolving too fast. In fact, it reinforced my perception of myself as someone who is neither interested nor good in technical issues, not forgetting how lousy I was in my vocation as tank mechanic in the Army.

Could this area of sports & fitness be the one for me? Up till now, I still do not know... but I'm very interested to learn & put into practice what I have learnt & experienced in this area of sports & fitness. Perhaps God would confirm this if He gave me a job in a sports industry. But even if its not, it doesn't seem that I would stop throwing myself into a frenzy of regular exercise & possibly taking part in sporting activities in & out of Singapore. So I'm still in a lost... unless God really put me into the sports industry, coz that's where my heart lies at this stage of my life.

Yet all these reflections & experiences in these recent months have dawned upon one provoking point about myself. In the past, especially when I got together with Rebecca in 2001, I thought that I'm really a homely kind of guy. You know, those kind of boyfriend or husband that would just enjoy relaxing & engaging myself in quiet indoor interactions, e.g. watching VCDs, playing PS2 games, reading a book, etc.

But my turning point came somewhere in March till April, when our church Young Adult (YA) group decided to set ourselves to the challenge of ascending Mount Kinabalu. This perked me up & as I continued with the training & finally the expedition itself, I realised that I couldn't stop this passion for a challenging sport from bursting out from within me.

Then came my membership with California Fitness gym. Through regular exercising, reading up & planning training programs, attending Group Exercise aerobics workouts, talking to Personal Trainers & going for an interview for Fitness Professional... This added more 'flame' into my heart about pursuing into this area of sports, health & fitness.

After these months, I finally came to realise this about myself - that I'm really a person who enjoys putting myself to a challenge in life. It isn't top priority that I win at everything that I do (of coz that's still a personal aspiration), but the passion burns from the fact that I took part & set myself to the test. Been there, done that. Not necessarily coming up top, but having put myself through this experience of interest.

That's when I began asking myself - am I really a homely kind of guy that I used to think that I am? Reflecting back, I realised that I can no longer live in this self-assumed idea that just becoz I'm an introvert by nature, means that I enjoy being at home, doing homely stuff & being homely. Coz the truth has bursts forth from within, telling & convicting me that I'm not.

Or at least, not as homely as I concluded myself to be, since back in year 2001.

That's when my fears about having children after marriage came rushing into my mind like a mini tidal wave. It dawned upon me that having children would mean giving up A LOT, A LOT of personal aspirations & dreams. I used the word 's' because aspirations & dreams may change or at least modify at different stages of our lives.

As it is, these few years, I also began to discover my interest in photography (scenery) & fixing jig-saw puzzles. VCDs & DVDs of movies from my earlier years were watched again in a different perspective. These perceptions remained the same, yet viewed in a different light. I didn't just draw determination & courage from these movies, but I began to feel touched by these 'burning' hearts & testimonies of these men, as I'm now older & can better perceive what they are going through.

Apart from these perceptual changes, I realised that I have dropped back on my reading habit. I no longer read books, except books with regards to better methods of physical training & better eating habits, as well as biographies of people whom I have admiration for.

My thoughts further dissected into the thoughts of the differences between Rebecca & myself. At first, I was feeling down & worried about our distinct differences in upbringing, background & personality. I brooded about it for almost an entire night, before the next night came (which is today) when I began brooding about the great amount of hindrances that having children might bring into my life & our life as a married couple.

I brooded about that for a few hours tonight, before I forced myself to focus on what can be done to better adjust this situation, rather than solely brooding about my unhappiness about the troubles & hindrances that children would bring.

It was only awhile ago (tonight) when I realised why God could have possibly put two people of such different ways & likings together. So that we can take turns in playing our parts in working out a marriage & handling children in future. Should God give me a girlfriend almost exactly like myself, then I can most assure myself that a good & successful marriage may not be possible. Or at least, it won't be as interesting & balanced compared to when my spouse is of different nature from me, thus able to cover aspects of the marriage & child upbringing, which I'm totally not able to do.

I really thank God for this discovery & I'm even more thankful for the girlfriend that He's given me! Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Rebecca... =)