I Miss You, Lord

I just woke up from a 3 hours nightmare. I called it a nightmare because there was a lot of unrest in my mind & heart during those 3 hours. Thinking back, this is the first night that I had much difficulty sleeping without air-con. The night was still, the air was dry & I had difficulty falling asleep. Not until I relented & decided to turn on the air-con. That was when I fell asleep & this bad dream began.

I can’t remember how this dream began, but I knew there was a lot of spiritual unrest in my heart & mind was spinning like a top all the way. It felt like spiritual oppression in my life, that I must claim back my life, by calling on Jesus’ name & seeking Him once again. And I believe this dream was allowed by Him for this very reason.

In this dream, I felt that I had no peace in my heart at all. Even if I were not doing much, just standing around or talking to friends, there was no peace in my heart… because I had lost touch with the Lord. I had forgotten & gone cold to the need to seek His presence. In fact, I feel so guilty now that I have missed going & attending church Sunday services for so many weeks because I have woken up late & just coming because of my commitment in the Youth Ministry (YM) as CGL.

Several scenes passed by in this dream, of which I can’t remember. But two scenes played very clearly in my mind.

In the first, I was wondering around a dimly lit car-park, not sure where I’m going. Then I saw Gordon at the lift lobby & walked over to greet him. We exchanged our “Hi”s as Gordon strode past me quickly (dressed in his SIA uniform) because he was rushing off to his car to drive to work. I turned around to walk with him, so that I could talk a bit more. I can’t remember whether I was hoping to ask for directions to get out of this car-park or I was feeling lonely & he was the only familiar face.

It was odd coz that very instant I turned around; Gordon was already driving past me. I tried to move towards his car, but he had to drive off hurriedly because someone else was honking his car horn at him, urging Gordon to drive off quickly. Then all of the sudden, the car-park was empty & the air was still again. And I realized that I was all alone again. I began to feel fearful in my heart & froze in fear, not knowing which way to run out of this scary car-park. It was like the car-park atmosphere suddenly turned eerie.

I’m not sure if these two scenes were sequential, but anyway… in the second scene that I managed to vaguely recall, I found myself in a room inside a flat, trying to hide from whatever eerie feeling that seemed to be chasing me. All of the sudden, everything seemed to cease happening around me & time seemed to stand still.

I found myself suddenly in some sort of vision or dream (strangely, I was having a dream while actually dreaming in reality). In this dream, God spoke in His still yet strong voice, telling me something from the book of Job. What exactly, I can’t remember, but I remember very clearly that it was from the book of Job. Hmm… maybe after I finish typing this Blog, I should read it & perhaps find what God may be trying to speak to me about.

Anyway, after this had passed, I found myself in that room again. That same eerie feeling returned & I began to realize how much peace I had felt in God’s presence & how much His peace means to me. In fact, I wouldn’t be wrong to say that without His peace, I may even go crazy if this continued in the long run.

I decided to gather some courage & explore this flat. Creeping around, I saw Pastor Edwin in the room next to the room that I was hiding in. He seemed to be praying, if I could remember clearly. I started to get all flustered over all these eerie fears that were surrounding me that I decided to sing & cry out to the Lord.

I remembered that the first song that came to my mind was “Jesus, We Enthrone You”. I began singing it in my dream, until I woke up & still continued singing it for some time. I suddenly remembered how long I had missed singing to the Lord & how much I yearned for His peace once again.

Looking at my hand-phone, I saw that it was only 4:14am. Wow… that was an awfully long dream & I wondered how little sleep I actually got through that. My thoughts started racing, thinking whether I should get up & type this into my Blog or just lie down & try to get back to sleep.

I tried to get back to sleep coz I knew I was tired, but I didn’t feel peace in my heart, so I got up, turned on my PC & played that worship song “Jesus, We Enthrone You”. I started to type this Blog entry, while listening to other worshipful songs by Don Moen.

One of the songs that touched my heart is “Deeper In Love”. Here are the lyrics:

There is a longing only You can fill
A raging tempest only You can still
My soul is thirsty Lord
To know You as I’m known
Drink from the river that flows before Your throne

Chorus:
Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I’ve ever been before
I just want to know You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise
I will seek Your face
Drawn by the Spirit to the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Though I can’t really remember the other scenes in my dream, through these two scenes, I managed to gather a few thoughts –

God is the only One who will always be there & always Someone that anyone can turn to, anywhere & anyhow. I mean ‘anyhow’ because even when a person’s mind (like how scared & frantic I was in that dream) & he / she doesn’t know how to pray, sing or what to do to get out of the situation, God still looks from above, understands what we are going through & we really just need to go back to Him, just the way we are… just the way we are…

And perhaps Gordon appeared in my dream because in my subconscious, he is my only pillar of support that really means something in my heart. Others may think of him as complicated & not as sensitive as Linah, but some part of me finds some similarity between Gordon & I.

In a way, I have quite a complicated mindset as well. And somehow, up till now (perhaps it because I have been going for CG at his house for over the past year), there is no one in Covenant Presbyterian Church that really comes close to possibly understanding my complicated mindset about living the Christian life & some of life’s worries. As serious & objective as he may be, I guess somewhere in my heart, I do look up to him as a mentor or some sort.

But in this dream, I realized that I have to slowly let this go… to stop clinging to this pillar of familiarity & to embrace a God who truly understands me. For a person can be hurried away because of other commitments or happenings in life, e.g. having to rush to work in that car-park scene.

And it is also comforting to know that this God that loves me is still watching over me & speaking to me in my dreams, calling me back to Him. And there He is… waiting for me & all His prodigal sons…

I titled this Blog entry as “I Miss You, Lord” because that was what I muttered to Him when I played the song “Jesus, We Enthrone You”. I miss His presence & this world really has a way to turn our attention away from Him. Not that we should drop everything & just sit at His feet… but we still need to find the time to do so… & through this dream, I realized the importance of His peace in our lives.