A Perpetual Dreamer

Yes, this is one of the many characteristics about me… & it is something that has puzzled me all my life. Why do I dream so much? What do my dreams mean? And it occurs almost every night… I can’t even remember when was the last time that I slept without having a single dream.

Since I lost my job in August last year, I began to discover that my dreams started to get longer, with several parts inter-linked together… making it seems like its one very long dream, but I can very distinctly differentiate between its parts. For example, last night I had this very intriguing 3-part dream…

First part of the dream

My first dream started when I had just been accepted into the Army Special Forces & was immediately given my first mission. I received a call from my commander, who sounded just like Abel (my church youth director) & gave me orders for my first mission with another 3 team members. It’s strange… why did Abel appear in my dream? I have never dreamt of him before…

Anyway, my first mission was to infiltrate into an enemy camp & gather a piece of enemy info from a church building. It felt weird sneaking into a church, as I normally just walk in. Gathering enemy intelligence from a church… that felt even stranger… but my team & I completed the mission.

Then almost immediately, I was tasked to go on my next mission… this time, it was just me, not fellow team members. And that made me feel real scared. I could actually feel the fear inside my heart in the midst of the dream. This time, I had to infiltrate into enemy territory by sea in the night. My objective is to clear & secure this offshore island of all enemy hostiles.

Unfortunately, I was discovered & started being chased by enemy soldiers! I had to run for my life, trying to kill as many enemies as I could, as I desperately tried to escape. At one point, I was nearly shot & killed. But I can’t recall how I survived in the end.

Second part of the dream

I wasn’t a soldier in this dream. I had a dental appointment at a dental clinic at Singapore Expo & was on my way there. When I reached, I saw this Army General standing there, looking at the door of the clinic.

He told me that he was given a very late date for his dental appointment & when the date finally arrived & he came down today to find that this dental clinic had closed down! Angrily, he stomped upstairs to his office (his office is at Singapore Expo?), printed a notice & came back downstairs to angrily stick it on the clinic door.

Realizing that I had come for my dental appointment too, he decided to bring me to his friend’s house, because she is working as a dentist from home. At that house, I saw that there were a lot of kids in her home, just like a childcare centre.

Third part of the dream

I came across a group of Europeans who were visiting Singapore for the first time & they had gotten lost, trying to find their way around. They asked if I knew the way & I agreed to direct them. Then they drove me in their car, so that I could guide them to their destination.

Then immediately I woke up.

What strange dreams! Quite bizarre, huh? Yeah, I get such complicated dreams once in awhile, apart from those normal dreams that I have.

Yet despite its awesome regularity, this is not something that frustrates me coz there is usually something or someone in the dream that I recognize or identify with.

Throughout my life, many people have been telling me many different things & I have done my best to figure out what my dreams mean & even prayed about them at a few occasions.

Some simpler people would say that I have a very active subconscious mind & it’s probably because I’m obsessed or disillusioned about something, or a certain experience has affected me, resulting in such related dreams.

I don’t dispute that perhaps I do have a very active subconscious mind, coz I also know that I have a very active conscious mind. In short, scientifically, this could be because my mind is just perpetually active… & it shouldn’t be too far fetched for me to honestly say that there is probably not a single moment in my life without a thought in my mind.

Then there are other more perceptive individuals who claim that dreams have meanings attached to it. In the spiritual sense, the Bible does mention about individuals getting dreams & visions from God.

A Vision

I won’t dispute that either, coz I have personally experienced a very short vision about God’s hand & Him speaking to me, while riding on a bus during my JC days. It was very short, lasting just 20 seconds… but it probably was a vision coz I was very clear that I wasn’t asleep. I was awake & looking ahead of me in the bus, when suddenly my vision of what I see around me changed… & for that short few seconds I saw something totally different in front of me. In that vision, there was a hand… & that hand reached down & grabbed hold on my outstretched hand. Holding my hand firmly, there was a voice that said that “Matthew, do not worry. For when you fall, I will be there to catch you.”

Believe it or not, I still remember the words that were spoken to me in that vision. And I have also heard of a testimony of a fellow brother-in-Christ from my previous church who shared with us (after the worship ended) about his vision of seeing a flaming torch in front of him, while he was in the midst of a praise & worship session at a Methodist Youth Fellowship (MYF) church camp.

Experience at a church camp

I had attended that MYF camp too & at that very young age (during my early secondary school days)… I witnessed for myself great spiritual encounters during that worship session. Some were on their knees, some were crying & some were ‘slain’ on the ground.

Experience in a Christian fellowship group

When I was in Saints For Christ (SFC) in SAJC, there was one time when I was just talking with an SFC Ex-Co member named Chun Wee, when he asked if he could pray for me to receive the gift of tongues. I have heard people pray in tongues before, but I didn’t understand it… yet, I figured that no harm asking & see if God would give me this gift. I mean, I won’t know unless I ask, right?

That brother-in-Christ prayed for me for quite a long time, but I didn’t ‘feel’ like I have received it. Chun Wee asked me to speak a few words & I told him that I didn’t know what to say. He said never mind, just say something… so I just said something. Then he said ‘Good’… just go home & practice more & I’ll get better over time.

I remembered that I went off feeling strange & I couldn’t figure out how & why I should practice speaking in tongues, especially when I didn’t even know what to say or pray. But the best part about being in an inter-denominational Christian fellowship group is that no one forces anyone to do anything that he or she isn’t comfortable with. So that kind-of ended my willingness to try praying in tongues.

Yet till this day, I still wonder if I have actually received this gift. Coz over the later years, those moments when I felt a touch from God, happens most often when I’m all by myself, praying or just sitting there & focusing my thoughts on Him. Another strange thing about me is that I’m not someone who cries easily & it is very difficult to make me cry for however BIG reason there might be. Perhaps one of the very few times in my life that I remember crying was when the coffin with my closest grandfather inside was pushed into the furnace for cremation. That was like a one-time thing & I mean it when I say that I have probably cried less than 10 times in my life for humanly reasons.

Thus, it can almost be safe to say that I’m not a person who expresses emotion by crying. Yet, I found out that only God can make me cry… when I feel His touch or experience His presence at a particular moment in my life. I would just cry for nothing… & even when I cry, I feel happy inside… I just don’t know how to explain it. And at these occasions in my life, it happens most often when I’m alone.

Experience at a CG retreat

For example, it happened during a Clayworks CG retreat at Sentosa a few years ago. That morning, after individual QT, everyone started to pack up to leave the campsite. I had just finished my own QT & was closing in prayer. Believe me, there was nothing spectacular about that morning’s QT. It was just simple reading of some passages in the Bible.

Then, all of the sudden, while praying… I started to feel a bit warm in my heart & as I continued praying, suddenly I started crying… then wailing… Yes, I mean it… wailing… out loud & everyone in the whole guy’s bunk could hear & see me. Shawn was on the bed that was above me & I heard him say, “Aiyoh…” & decided to leave me alone. After awhile, I stopped crying. I had stopped praying already, but all of the sudden, I started crying again. Wah… I cry until my bed-sheet got a bit wet with my tears!

Then after it ended, I felt very at peace in my heart & departed from the campsite very normally, like nothing happened to me earlier. No one really asked me what happened, but even if they did ask… I wouldn’t know what to say either. It’s strange how God speaks or touches me at times… =)

Reconciling these issues

So, with spiritual experiences like these (I only shared two examples), it is no surprise that I’m particularly open to the idea that dreams & visions could mean something. After all, I have experienced them both before… & I don’t forget them, but remember them very clearly, despite after many years.

After saying all these, I still have difficulty trying to reconcile between scientific reasoning & spiritual intentions that cause dreams & visions to happen… but perhaps it could be a mix of both scientific & spiritual interpretations. The crux of the issue lies in learning to differentiate one from the other.

This can be both of positive & negative effect, but it’s completely natural & I can’t really stop myself from thinking, coz that already is a thought by itself. I guess our mind is like any other organ in our body – it doesn’t stop working for as long as we are alive. Plus, this is how God made me, so I’ll have to live with it… & hopefully find some reason for being made this way… in His time.