Just Not Made To Be…

Perhaps it is my guess that most people would go through life with a certain occupation, accomplishment or something that he or she would wish to be given a chance to do or be.

I remember my Dad once told me that he wanted to become an electrician or a somewhat similar occupation after he passed his GCE ‘O’ levels back during the days of his teens. Due to his born color-blindness in recognizing certain colors like red, brown, etc… he could not become what he wanted to be.

Rebecca also shared with me that her Dad wanted to be a teacher at the later stage of his life, but couldn’t make the career transition due to his older age, family commitments & his role as the sole bread-winner.

I too have my hopes & dreams for myself since young till today. When I was in secondary school, I wanted to become an engineer. It’s funny thinking about it now, coz I didn’t know what was an engineer at that age, but this occupation was mentioned quite often by people around me & it sounded quite prestigious, so I decided, at that age, that I wanted to become an engineer.

Apart from having the hopes of such a career, I also had an ambition (in unison with my two other best buddies, which I have since lost contact with them) to become an Airborne Ranger in the SAF. This aspiration was inspired by a particular trainer who came down to my school to organize a teamwork camp for all the classes in secondary 2. I still remember that his name is Steven Chiang. This name stuck in my mind as well as my two best buddies, who were in the Scouts too.

Steven Chiang taught my class a lot about obstacles that develop teamwork & confidence. It was obvious that a huge majority of students didn’t really enjoy it, especially the girls. Thinking back now, I think I kind of looked down on girls when I was in secondary school. Why? Coz I found them sissy & weak. Little bit of sun, complain. Little bit of sweat, complain. No rain so have to go for PE lesson, complain. Completely unlike the girls & those unmotivated boys, I was a highly strung kid, raring to go… just like my two best buddies – Wee Chee Tat & David Tng Yue Phin.

Three of us took the initiative to chat with Steven Chiang… & even had morning breakfast with him at a coffee shop selling ‘roti prata’, just opposite my school. Steven is a very experienced trainer, who used to work as an Airborne Ranger in the Army, until he severely injured himself. He shared many stories about himself that shook the three of us, deep & right into our hearts. At the end of the teamwork camp, we decided to strive to become like him – an Airborne Ranger.

You know, the marvelous thing about being a kid, is that kids don’t keep on worrying as much as adults & kids don’t keep on thinking negative about a situation, in which they want to do something. In fact, since they have set their minds to do something, kids tend to ponder more on ways to do it, rather than why they shouldn’t or couldn’t do it.

At that age, at least to me & my best buddies… the sky’s the limit! We had great confidence in ourselves & we drove ourselves to be the best. We would stop at nothing to reach our aspirations in life. Even at that age, where $2 is quite a big amount of money to me & I only lived on $20 a week… I understood the meaning & value of living my dreams, rather than just living.

I thrived on adventure, on courage, on camaraderie among buddies. Even at that age, I knew in my heart that not being able to achieve & live my dreams is as good as not having lived at all. Believe me, it is indeed a very serious thought & conviction, even for a child of that age. And that child happens to be me.

Btw, Rangers is an elite group of the Commandos. I recall reading this from a military book some time ago… & I was amazed to read about this -

The term ‘Commando’ is a general term used to refer to highly trained soldiers who are able to operate & survive behind enemy lines. Centuries ago, such a term does not exist. It was first founded during a battle between two states or countries (I can’t remember), where a group of highly trained men were tasked to go ahead of the troops & try to gain access into the enemy’s castle. They were just a small group of very strong & agile soldiers, comprising no more than a mere handful in number. These soldiers scaled the castle wall & entered into the enemy’s castle, creating havoc inside, killing many enemy soldiers in the process. This destruction from within gave the troops a strong added advantage & they won the battle. Upon successfully employing this tactic in several subsequent battles… from then on, these special soldiers were referred by the term ‘Commando’.

In modern day context, ‘Commandos’ or ‘Special Forces’ refer to a great many groups of elite soldiers – Snipers, Rangers, Delta Force, Special Air Service (SAS), Green Berets, Navy SEALs, Underwater Demolition Team (UDT), etc.

And I wanted to be one of them. Which is why as I mentioned, it was rather naïve to think that a boy with high myopia, could qualify to become an elite soldier.

In JC, I wanted to get into the NUS Arts & Social Sciences faculty & study psychology & become a psychologist or somewhat after I graduated. That too didn’t happen coz my academic grades couldn’t get me a place in NUS. As it is, I found out the hard fact that being in the Arts faculty in JC, could only open doors like Arts & Social Sciences, Business Administration & NIE teacher training. As if that wasn’t limiting enough, my subjects taken didn’t even give me a chance to meet the basic requirements of many other faculties at our local universities. In the end, my parents had to pay a much higher fee to put me through a business course at SIM, which the local government takes a bias stand towards. How much worse can that get?

In the Army, I wanted to become an officer or at least a sergeant of a combat regiment. By the time I reached JC, I knew that my high myopia would not allow me to join the Special Forces… but I held hopes of at least joining the infantry, or if I could push my chances, maybe even the Guards (which are second to the Commandos). However, my hopes were turned down, not even giving me a chance to prove myself during BMT, solely because of my high myopia… I wasn’t even given a chance to get posted to a combat unit after BMT. Instead I was sent to a logistics unit & became an automotive technician who just wasn’t good at what I had to do… & in the end, got kicked out to another area which needed manpower, which so happened to be in my battalion’s operations centre.

Even before I entered BMT, I had a rather high level of physical fitness. During BMT, I surpassed most of my peers at IPPT & made it to the top 10% percentile in our entire company’s 2.4km run standing. I so badly wanted to challenge myself at the Standard Obstacle Course (SOC), but was denied due to my PES C1 status. It was infuriating! Then right now, during my brother’s recent enlistment, MINDEF changed the rules to allow PES C1 soldiers to opt to undergo SOC, as long as they had medical clearance. ARGH! SOC was a typical soldier’s most detested test item in standard BMT. But unlike the rest, I loved this challenge… especially since I had a lot of exposure & experience in obstacles during my 4 years in Scouts. In fact, I was quite good at it… plus I could run fast, which makes me an even more competent candidate for the SOC. I could almost swear (though I know I shouldn’t) that I would surpass most of my peers, just like I did for the IPPT & 2.4km run. And with Sean’s level of fitness, I believe both of us would have achieved a good timing for SOC too.

I mean, seriously… what’s wrong with life sometimes that people who wish to be somebody or in some occupation, just aren’t built or born that way? Of course, as Christians, we believe that God has a plan for our lives, so this should be the best path for us, as carved out by God. Yet… somehow a certain ‘fire’ still burns within the hearts of those who never wanted to give up their hopes & dreams… the hearts & aspirations still calling out to them… whatever age they might be… even if it meant having that thought linger as only a dream, for the rest of their life.

Fortunately or unfortunately, however myself or others choose to view this, I am one of such people. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I feel so lost amidst all the various job occupations available in the business corporate sector.

Even despite having much better eyesight than before (though not 100% perfect), this is just but one lesser problem. Not many people know this, but I have a certain bit of night-blindness, even when I was wearing spectacles much earlier on. I used to think that it’s probably due to the lack of some vitamins, so for a period of time (years ago), I started to eat more carrots. But the condition remained the same. Perhaps I may be just born with it. Nobody is perfect anyway.

Even without these problems, I still have much of a dilemma concerning this dream of mine. Why? Coz this is Singapore, not the US. And since I’m now past the age of 25, a whole lot of other things have become more obvious & clear to me. Ideals have to be set aside, as earning a living, saving for the future, settling down, managing a marriage, bring up children & staying gainfully employed till a good retirement age, has become a total reality. It just cannot be avoided. Again, this is Singapore… a country without natural resources & a country that has to keep changing to stay current with the other developments in this world.

Subconsciously, even though I still have occasional dreams of such, whenever I awake from such dreams, I have to consciously shelf this dream of mine… far back into the depths of my memory. Believe me - I even had a dream of joining the Counter Terrorist team in Singapore. Yes, my subconscious dreams can be that country-specific too.

Recently, I have been reading fiction & non-fiction books on the US Navy SEALs. The fiction book was gripping & I found it difficult to put off reading… even when I went to the toilet to expel waste from my rectum. The non-fiction book, which I’m currently halfway through, is about a true account of an experienced & trained member of the Underwater Demolitions Team (UDT) who was chosen to start up & build the first SEAL team. Btw, ‘SEAL’ stands for ‘Sea, Air & Land’. These selected navy men were the best of the best, to be trained to operate & survive in the sea, air & land. In short… the best men from the UDT.

The accounts shared in this book were also gripping, heartening & sometimes even comical. It’s amazing how the author phrased or commented about certain events that happened in his life. And this isn’t just a story… this guy has really been there & done that. After reading his true accounts, I cannot but give respect to the US Navy SEALs… for they are really the best in the world.

Imagine a typical reported drop-out rate of 60% - 85% per intake… or in the specific account of this veteran, only 18 out of 124 candidates successfully completed the SEALs program… that’s 14.5% pass rate! And boy, I tell you… once these men passed out from the course… they would have really become changed men, with unsurpassed confidence, teamwork & camaraderie.