What’s with the Fence?

Last Sunday, my church had this very interesting talk by an overseas speaker from ‘Focus on the Family’ ministry. His name is James Thomas, a very friendly father of four who resides in New Zealand & he was invited to my church’s Young Adults Bible Fellowship (YABF) to share about ‘Pornography & Masturbation’.

As introduced by Uncle Henry, the speaker was indeed athletic & fit. He had bright clear eyes & I could see that he had a very good & strong posture, which really put me to shame. I must remind myself to emphasis more on correcting my poor sitting posture! If not, it would affect my spine curvature when I’m much older. Regular exercise is essential too, if not my bones would become weak.

Even after attending these two speaker sessions over the past two Sundays, I’m still surprised how God answered my heartfelt prayers (when I shared over my Blog in December last year) that the church should organize occasional talks on sexual issues coz it’s a very real issue for every human being (especially guys) & the worse thing is that it’s also the most uncommonly addressed topic.

I really hate it when I see this very evident & getting even more prevalent in our society & churches are just avoiding this topic, as if it’s a taboo which should not be mentioned in the open. After all, the human struggle with the ‘flesh’ & money are very often brought up in the Bible, which means God regards these as very, very critical matters. Thus, I strongly believe that bible study of the books in the Bible is important, yet should not be emphasized alone, without fair emphasis on topical as well as day-to-day issues, for example homosexuality, manipulation, obsession & worry of money, world epidemics & natural disasters.

James Thomas humorously shared about the distinct differences between men & women; regarding men as ‘microwave cooking’ & women as ‘long slow cooking’ when it comes to becoming sexually aroused. For guys, sight plays a very large part in influencing sexually arousal & girls need to be emotionally engaged before becoming sexually aroused. Another dangerous difference is that [some] ‘guys promise love to have sex, whereas [some] girls give sex to have love.

One of the unspoken things that impressed upon me was the fact that very early into his sharing, James Thomas, being a father of four children, openly & honestly confessed that being a human being just like every one of us, he too sometimes become tempted by attractive women, pornography & masturbation.

Although this didn’t shock me, but it made a serious & lasting impression in my mind that even though being married allows a man & a woman to engage in sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean… which in other words, does not guarantee that just because one has finally been allowed to have sex within marriage, means he or she would not fall into sin & temptation of the ‘flesh’.

Now that’s a scary thought, especially for those of us who feel that the only way to escape temptation is to get married. Well, yes & no… In fact, there might even be a higher unwholesome desire to be tempted by an attractive opposite sex, since we have already found sex to be very satisfying! In short, never let down our guard, no matter married or not…

James shared that pornography cheapens women. In the perspective of women, I find this something that isn’t new to them, yet more & more women are willing to do many things for the sake of making a quick sum of money & also fame, for those who are in the entertainment industry & health services arena (e.g. spa, massage, etc). Since many women are already aware of that, especially since many Asian cultures & traditions already profess this stand, then would it make any difference if this is being told to them?

In the perspective of men, James shared this enlightening truth that I haven’t really thought of in this view point before - that we need to remember that every female is someone's daughter or mother, and also a child made by God!

Yeah, I can guess what’s on your mind… for that’s also what’s on my mind – that it’s just so easy to say… And yes, as a guy, I admit that to be true. But that really ruins our respect towards women, don’t you think? And that’s a very damaging thought because once obsession over pornography becomes a habit, it would slowly begin to inflict damage on our mind & how we view & think of people around us… about women, as well as ourselves as men.

Like drugs, it can become an addiction… & we would end up ruining our minds, throwing away our conscience & either wallowing in self-pity each time we sin, or harden our hearts & no longer heed God. Now, who’s going to tell me that this isn’t serious?

James also warned that complacency is a big issue too. For complacency leads to us letting our guard down & actually opens us up to even greater chances of temptation & sin… which I follow up by saying that this also means a harder fall for those who are complacent, for they would not even be prepared when they actually fall down & hit hard.

One interesting pattern that was shared sounded loudly in my brain – that is, it all starts with one look…

One look --> A longer look --> Unclean thoughts --> Sinful actions

Needless to say, this often leads to masturbation for guys (mainly) because it seems like the only way to release this intensity of chemicals build-up in our mind & body.

This, again, is nothing new… for all who have fallen into this sin are soon fully aware that it is also very addictive. This time, we cheapen ourselves & turned away from a God-intended sexual fulfillment within marriage, because we have become addicted to counterfeit intimacy that brings damaging consequences!

James didn’t go into the details of how it would exactly affect future marriage, but even though I’m not married yet, I have already begun to foresee one possibility of how it could ruin or diminish our future married life with our spouse.

You see, when we become addicted to self-seeking counterfeit intimacy… & go into marriage still in this manner… our intimacy with our spouse would soon surface to become also self-seeking! Believe me, I’m a guy too… & I know… What could possibly happen is that we would go into marriage, concerning so largely in fulfilling our own needs & soon neglect our spouse more & more!

I’m not saying that we won’t strive to fulfill her needs, but it is about our true underlying intention of doing it. Yeah, I’m being very blunt here… for it may soon become our self-centered need to do so, because it satisfies us, rather than because our love making is grounded on true passionate love that seeks to give, not self-seek!

If this doesn’t make enough logic or sense, it shouldn’t be long before we guys will soon realize that we become desperate for sexual fulfillment in our marriage, because we have become addicted to satisfying ourselves, rather than because of the love relationship with our spouse!

And even if we still don’t realize it, don’t worry… it would only be a matter of time before our spouse will find neglected, coz she feels like we only want it because of physical fulfillment… but she doesn’t feel emotionally connected anymore. She doesn’t feel any more bonding between her & us (the husband)... & feels like it’s just a ‘mechanical’ activity that involves her for a short while, before off we go when we are done.

Yeah, correct me if I’m wrong, coz I’m not yet married. But at least to me, it isn’t too difficult to imagine this happening, if we don’t watch ourselves.

James also shared some tips on how to break these habits. He strongly emphasized that merely hoping & praying isn’t good enough… which is just totally & completely obvious… & definitely isn’t something new at all to us guys… for so often, we have tried our hardest at times & still fail by a far mile.

1) ‘Bounce’ the eyes

When we notice an attractive woman alongside the street, look away after the first look. The first look isn’t sin, but if we don’t look away, our initial look would become a longer look & that’s where the temptation begins. Being tempted is not a sin, but not resisting or fleeing from temptation is.

2) Renew the mind

Turn our thoughts back to God by singing a worship song in our mind, or start praying & thanking God for something in our life. In short, just turn our thoughts away from what could immediately start to tempt us!

3) Guard the heart

Disciplining our eyes means not allowing our eyes to linger on things which we aren't suppose to look at. Look away… for sight will always lead to thoughts. And this is something that we have to beware & be especially reminded of.

Analogy of a Fence

One of James’ advice is to start building fences that would hinder us from falling into temptation (not sin), for temptation LEADS to sin, not the other way around.

This was a point that spoke to me the loudest & hardest hit…

James explained this concept by showing us a picture of this group of tourists standing at a ledge of a very high cliff, chatting & taking photographs. In this picture, the ledge of the cliff was not captured into the photograph… & James asked us why are these tourists all standing around, chatting & looking so relaxed when they are at the ledge of this cliff?

For some time, I couldn’t figure out the answer. Then finally Evan, one of the young adults, said that maybe there’s a fence at the ledge of the cliff. Wow… & at that moment, my mind was just stunned… & I took a few moments to process all the swarm of thoughts that had begun filling my brain waves…

That’s precisely the answer, as agreed by the speaker, for a fence is built, not only with the intention of reminding us of danger & deter us from moving too near the dangerous ledge of the cliff, but this fence was also put there, so as to give freedom to us who are walking around this cliff! For without a fence, many would be afraid even to come any where near the ledge of the cliff, to take fantastic photographs of the scenery beyond!

These thoughts struck me like a hammer on my head. Bong! My mind as opened to how this relates to God’s laws & commands in the Bible. You see, God’s laws & commands work like a fence in certain areas of our lives, so as to remind us when we approach danger, deter us from getting hurt AND giving us the freedom of living life to the fullest, without compromising on God’s best for us!

Hallelujah! No longer would I view God’s commands as hindrances in my life, for I now understand the concept of the fence & why fences are intended by God for reasons which we now know & more which we do not yet understand. Our Heavenly Father knows all things & He loves us. Let’s not try to challenge Him ok?

Finally, James’ advice is that we pay attention to the people whom we associate with, be they friends or colleagues. Sometimes encouragement in the wrong area can be just as easy to fall into or fall back into temptation & sin. Choose our friends carefully.