Friends or Friendless at Church?

People are complicated beings, just like me… & often, I just can’t explain why things happen in a certain way, be it anywhere else, even at church. This reminded me of the Christian book which Rebecca lent to me, which stated that whether there is human will involved in a situation, the outcome can never be 100% for sure, as what we may predict it out to be.

Thinking about it, I can’t even understand my hamster at times or even my terrapins which I used to keep last year… much less human beings with such a God-given conceivable mind! To be honest, sometimes I don’t even understand why I think or feel or behave in a certain way… & if I can be strange at times, it’s sure as well possible with all other human beings around me.

I have been pondering about it for some time already & decided to stop serving in the Youth Ministry (YM) after the end of this year. Firstly, it’s because I have been almost continuously serving in this ministry ever since I was at my previous church… & by the end of this year, I would have served in YM for 4 & ½ years!

I feel very sad that I have lost so much touch with the Young Adults (YA), especially those around my age group, like Cheryl, Joel, Jacob, Hwee Juan, Hwee Lee (though he’s a lot older than me), Sharon, etc. I guess there is a cost to serving for 3 full years at YM & not having attended YA sessions on Sunday for such a very, very long time!

Please don’t tell me that the occasional bi-weekly CG meetings would make up for it, coz seriously it doesn’t! It really doesn’t! At least to me, it just doesn’t! Or even the once or twice a year YA retreats & stuff like that. I mean, you can’t just meet up with someone or a group of friends like a small handful of times a year & expect to build good, close friendships with them, right? As it is, it is already so difficult for people to open up to share with me… or maybe the problem lies with me… coz the only person whom I feel still occasionally shares with me, is Joel. To me, even that little tiny bit counts…

It has grown to such an extent that I feel awkward talking to those YA that I used to relate with previously. I used to be able to strike up a casual chat with people like Andrew, William, etc… but now I don’t even know how to start up a proper conversation with them. It’s like our lives are so far apart that I don’t even know if I have the guts to talk to them for longer than a few seconds or maybe a minute, coz I don’t know what to say! And I do hate awkward silences…

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m not that extrovert myself. I’m more of an introvert, but definitely someone who treasures friendships, though they can be tough to maintain, especially when I have several friends to keep catching up with.

Then another dilemma comes, by the fact that I’m attached with Rebecca. So for working adults, Sunday is like the most precious day that we can spend with our ‘significant other’… & with the first half of Sunday taken up by church, there is little time left, before we go home to prepare for the new week of work ahead.

Personally, I struggle with time spent with Rebecca & with my other YA friends. On one hand, I want to spend time with Rebecca & there is so few hours left every Sunday… & on the other hand, the YA seem to be involved in other activities which doesn’t allow me to spend personal quality time with Rebecca. So it’s really a real struggle & juggle between both. Plus the fact that nowadays I feel so drawn away from the YA until I don’t feel that I fit in anymore… It’s very sad, but I don’t know how to get out of it. Suddenly just jumping back to be with them would feel weird, coz it’s like I’m suddenly intruding back into this group which I had left for so long, coz I’m so caught up in the YM. I really don’t know what to do or what to think anymore… just so tired about these juggling matters.

I remember that when I first joined this church through Gordon’s CG a few years back, I initiated to have a one-to-one lunch / dinner with friends like Cheryl & Joel. I wanted to start with a few people whom I hope to start a friendship with at this new church that I had decided to attend.

The get-together with Cheryl was good & we managed to chat quite a bit. I still remember that she wore this green Army camouflage sleeveless t-shirt, when we both met for lunch at Orchard Cineleisure. But that was like some years back already. After quite a long time, I decided to initiate another get-together with Cheryl… & this time, Rebecca came along too. I felt a bit weird, coz I find it easier to relate with a friend one-to-one, but I supposed the fact that I was attached with Rebecca, probably made it seem that the right thing to do was to invite her alone.

Of course, I enjoyed Rebecca’s company… but I’m just thinking whether it was like a ‘no-choice-have-to-invite-his-girlfriend-along’ kind of situation, so that Cheryl won’t worry if Rebecca would get jealous, or if Rebecca wants to be around to make sure I don’t get into too intimate sharing with Cheryl. I don’t know… I just felt that there’s this stigma about having a girlfriend, such that other girls may feel worried about meeting up with me for a meal to catch-up. These are just some of my thoughts…

As for Joel, we did try to start this buddy prayer thing, where we would call up each other once a week to chat & pray. We managed it the first time round, but subsequently, it failed… I guess we were all busy & occupied with our own work & stuff. Thus, sometimes when I happened to sit beside or near him at church service, I would initiate to pray with him & chat a little bit. Oh well, at least it’s a start… thought a dwindling start…

Thus, I’m just wondering how life would be for me in this church from here onwards. I’m considering becoming more involved in Community Penetration (CP) work next year, when I stepped out of YM… yet I’m not sure how it fits in with re-establishing friendships with some of the YA. Well, perhaps I would at least be able to mingle with them on Sunday YA sessions… I don’t know… see how it goes… & take things one step at a time… Argh… so confusing…