When Will I Be Spared?

Yesterday morning, I arrived early at Spire Research & Consultancy Pte Ltd, eager to start my two days temp job. Though it was only two days, I was glad to earn a little bit of money coz my ATM card can no longer be used due to insufficient funds. Last month empty, this month empty again. Twice in two months… what a record.

Anyway, this lady introduced herself as Magdaline & ushered me into this small meeting room, where she asked for my NRIC & soon came back with a contract for me to read & sign. It was a strange feeling to be looking at another contract so soon, after that bad experience with MDIS last week.

After that, I was shown to my desk, where I was tasked to do data entry into this huge MS Excel spreadsheet, based on checking the Internet & brand catalogues. This was a huge spreadsheet with more than 17,000 rows of information to fill up! It was a daunting task, but if it wasn’t so, why would the company want to hire a temp staff for two days just to clear this up?

Magdaline gave me a bit of instructions & I started work. I find her a nice lady, probably around my age or so. Her voice is demure & innocent, sounding almost identical to Tracy! She’s also polite & gentle, which made my heart smile… =)

Soon it was almost lunch time, with most of the staff gone for lunch… so I made my own way, following the crowd downstairs… & ended up at Amoy Street hawker centre. I walked around, looking at the stalls, which apparently seemed to sell predominantly chicken rice & noodles.

I queued up & ordered a take-away of dumpling noodles, coz it was crowded & I couldn’t find anywhere to sit. I even noticed a group of ladies who reserved a table by putting ONE small packet of tissue paper on it. What a way to reserve a table… hopefully the wind won’t blow away her small packet of tissue paper…

As I walked back to the office building, I saw crowds of people just moving all around this CBD area & I started to compare between the school environment at MDIS & this hustle in the CBD. It was then that I realized what kind of work environment would most appeal to me, & that is to have my workplace located at the town area or near a shopping center. Of course, this is just my preference, if given a choice… coz I don’t feel comfortable in the CBD area. It’s just too much mess & crowd around which annoys my mind.

I took the lift up to the 8th floor (where my office is located), but couldn’t find any place to sit & eat my lunch… & ended up standing at one far corner, away from the offices’ entrances, holding my lunch with my left hand & eating with my chopstick with my right hand. For a moment, I felt like I was like a construction worker… standing & eating my lunch, away from everyone else.

Finishing my lunch, I still had about 20 minutes before my one hour lunch was over, so I took the lift downstairs & walked around the building to see if there are any shops nearby.

I was surprised to notice an MPH bookstore right across the road & went inside to take a look. What I saw quite surprised me… I have never seen so many executives & business professionals crowding inside an MPH bookstore! I know that it is after all a business district, but I guess I wasn’t expecting so many formally dressed executives at one MPH bookstore before…

As I browsed around, I could not help but notice that most people had this dis-interested expression on their faces & are just browsing books & magazines, because they are just trying to while their time away until lunch hour is over. Or maybe they are just feeling sleepy from their lunch. I don’t know.

But at that moment, I felt sad inside… coz personally, I would walk into an MPH bookstore to browse books coz I wanted to, but not just to while my time away. It was like such a un-appreciation for books & reading! I still can’t comprehend why I would want to do something like that, so I walked out of the bookstore & headed back to the office. I thought back to the time when I was working at StarHub & decided to close my eyes to rest awhile after lunch, or read a book quietly to myself. How I wish I was back at Cuppage again…

Before I went back to the office, I felt a tinge of stomachache, so I went to the toilet… but I could only manage a little bit of waste excretion from my anus. It felt odd, coz I did have a slight stomachache, but it was rare that I felt uncomfortable, but couldn’t pass it out. Never mind, so I got up & went back to the office to continue my work.

After a short while, I started to feel cold… which I ignored coz some staff had left the office for meeting, so I reasoned to myself that maybe it’s colder coz there’s less people in the office. But the cold feeling didn’t go away… & soon, I started shivering at my desk. I didn’t know why, but I decided to control it & continued my work. It felt odd though, coz I seldom felt cold in the office…

I controlled… & controlled… for about 2 hours, before I couldn’t help by wonder why I could be shivering for such a long time. I felt so cold that the fingers of my left hand, couldn’t even press ‘control’ ‘c’ to copy & paste using ‘control’ ‘v’. Now this was strange… I had never so cold that I had this much difficulty typing on a keyboard. Oh dear… is it really because of the air con?

As I continued my work, my legs started to tremble… followed by my upper body. I felt like I was at the Antarctic or some place very cold. I always thought that I was quite strong against cold, but not so when it came to heat. After all, I had trekked Fox Glacier in New Zealand & was the only 8 people who made it to the peak… & I had just trekked up Kota Kinabalu, even though it was freaking cold at above 4,000m in height. So this shouldn’t be a problem, I reasoned.

Eventually, I had so much difficulty typing that I left my desk & walked to the toilet outside the office to warm myself up. Gosh! It felt even colder outside the office! How could it be? I started to feel afraid… what’s happening to me?

I still felt that stomachache, so I tried to pass it out again. But this time nothing came out… & my legs kept on shivering until I had to clutch onto it, while trying to will my body to pass out any waste. It didn’t work, so I washed my face & went back to my work.

At about the 3rd hour of shivering, I walked back to the toilet & squatted right next to the basin, clutching my upper body, shivering & shivering… Believe me, it was warmer in the toilet, coz there is no air con… & I still couldn’t stop shivering. I tried to pass out waste inside the cubicle again, but this time my legs were trembling so hard that my right shoe was just hitting loudly on the toilet floor! I held onto my right leg as strongly as my hands could, so that the person in the cubicle next to me won’t suspect anything was wrong with me.

I didn’t want to be away from my desk for too long, so I steeled myself & walked back to the office, staggering & taking slow but heavy steps, while trying to look as if there wasn’t anything wrong with me.

Soon, I started to feel feverish & got a headache. I knew that this was serious & I needed to see a doctor on the way home. While doing my work (very slowly), my mind started to think how to explain & ask Magdaline if I could come to work the following day, instead of tomorrow.

I controlled & controlled, telling myself that I had to at least finish the work that was assigned to me to complete by today, so as not to leave too bad an impression. I tried to psycho myself, telling myself that Rocky is strong & determined… & so can I. But after awhile, I realized that it’s very different when your body is just literally half shutting down. Coz your mind & body reactions are not synchronized already… which means that even though my mind is strong, my body can’t perform. It was scary…

Finally, I relented & told God that I’m just tired of bad things happening to me everyday & I mean, literally everyday since last Monday! I’m just so tired & right now sick as well. Why does He have to do these to me? Haven’t I suffered enough for these past weeks? My morale has been almost reduced to zero from all that had happened so far & I’m just feeling too exhausted & discouraged to go on anymore with my life.

I started to feel aches & pains… causing me to sometimes suddenly clutch my right side of my body, clenching my teeth in pain. How I felt like I could just jump off the building (even though it’s only the 8th floor) & end this agonizing misery! I couldn’t control my body anymore & it was just scary to see it go out of control…

I told God that whatever He’s doing to be, for whatever good reason, I just don’t want it anymore. Even if it meant becoming less of what He wants me to be, I didn’t want to anymore. I just can’t take it already… I felt like Job… suffering quietly through agonizing pain & misery… from mental & emotional to now both, including the physical…

Finally, I managed to grit through the remaining of my assigned work, saved it into the thumb-drive, told Magdaline that I wasn’t feeling well & left the office. Upon receiving my SMS, my Mum told me to take a cab to see a doctor. While in the lift, I was praying that I could somehow find a cab, coz I had so much difficulty steeling my body to walk properly.

It must have been quite a sight to see someone like me, dressed in formal attire, staggering slowly along this busy business district. But I couldn’t help it, coz my shivering had stopped & changed to pure body ache. It wasn’t the kind that I could rub & ease the ache… it was like an ache within the bones itself.

As I walked, I finally saw a taxi stand & lumbered towards it, waiting in line with another 4 people in front of me. Finally, I got a cab & clutched my head in pain, while I hoped to reach the clinic near my house ASAP.

When I alighted from the taxi, I prayed to God, “Please let the clinic be open…” I would just break-down & scream out-loud, if I had reached the clinic & saw that the sign said ‘Closed’… coz this clinic near my house only opened at 3 different times of the day… & I didn’t really notice what were the 3 opening hours, coz I seldom feel that sick to see a doctor. Normally, it was just the cold & headache.

Thanks to God, the clinic was open. I gave my name & waited in line, with 4 people before me. Just when the 4th person was about to go in to the doctor’s room, another lady walked into the clinic & rushed in, maybe coz she had made an earlier appointment, but returned back to the clinic late or something.

I felt angry inside, coz I was like the most suffering patient in that clinic, clutching both my head & my body… & I was told that there were only 4 people who arrived before me. Finally, it was my turn & I spilled my story to the doctor.

The doctor suspected that it might be a case of dengue fever, which shocked me coz I remembered being bitten by dengue mosquitoes during BMT & later Army days, but I had never fell sick before from it. I thought I was strong… & my brother was strong too, coz both of us never got chicken pox before in our lives too. But my brother caught dengue late last year & now it seemed that it was my turn. Argh!

I was given two days MC & told to come back to see the doctor, if my fever still persisted after two days, especially if rashes appear, as one of the symptoms of dengue fever. I was scared & angry inside… as I left the clinic, wondering why God had to do this to me, on the first day of my job… & it’s only a temp job too! WHY?! And if it was confirmed as dengue, I would miss other opportunities for other job interviews! Plus, my contract with Spire Research & Consulting did state that I had to fulfill my second & last day with them first.

I came home, took my medicine & my bath. I felt so weak, just clutching my body in my room. I couldn’t even sit properly on my chair & had to kneel on the floor, while using my PC.
Soon, it was dinner time, but I could only eat one small piece of fish-cake, just the egg white & one hot dog. I couldn’t even really eat the rice, plus my hand was very weak to even hold the fork. Every few minutes, I would winch in pain, from the occasional sudden pain in my body. It was a terrible time for me…