Unresolved Mystery of Couple Differences

Recently, I have been thinking about how different couples can be, before and more so after getting married. When I was in my teens, I remember that I used to ask my parents about what did they like about each other. Their answer (despite several attempts through the years) has always been the same - Don't know.

I pursued the question each time, asking why they do not know... & they always brushed it off, saying that they have forgotten what they liked about each other & it was so long ago. Now, it is just going to church on Sunday together, visiting relatives, reading newspapers, watch TV drama serials, washing clothes & dishes, day after day, week after week, year after year.

At that young age, I couldn't figure it out, but now after being married for 8 months, I am starting to wonder to myself about this same question. Who says parents don't influence their children? Hahaha... but then again, being an inquisitive person, this question would bound to pass through my mind sooner or later anyway...

It’s not that I have forgotten what attracted me to my wife, but the dynamics and scope of things do change after getting married and living together. Not that it is difficult to live with her (in fact, she has been very helpful at home) but I guess I have been reflecting about how our relationship has changed since we got married. When typing this sentence, I was actually pondering whether to use the word 'improved' or 'progressed', but in the end, I used the word 'changed' because I guess it’s the more honest description that fits my reflection at this point of time.

Not that either of us has changed much, but I guess it’s the coming together & living together that changed the dynamics of our relationship. During our courtship, most of our time was spent studying (when we were in university), typical dating activities (like going to the zoo, beach, movies, dinner, etc), going to church (that's pretty much the same since we were a child anyway) and of course, chatting on the phone for hours (which we hardly talk much nowadays). After that, I would send her home (most of the time) and that was pretty much it. Thereafter, how we live our lives in our parents’ home is very much on our own.

But that's the catch, you see... coz now we are living in our own home TOGETHER & this issue of how we used to spend our time comes into the situation! I guess this is where most couples find it challenging coz what we chose to do when living in our own parents’ home rolls over to how and what we also choose to do when living in our own home now. Now that pinpoints the mystery of the century! It is easy to do things together when outside with friends or just the two of us, but when we get home, it’s a totally different matter altogether!

Of course, this is not to say that a couple must continue to do the same things together back at home, but this is the part that becomes challenging and often difficult to resolve or come to a consensus. Why? It’s because each party has been used to living their own way & each prefers it that way. For example, the husband may prefer to play computer games or watch soccer & his wife may not like it coz she wants to watch TV. Some couples get two TVs so as to resolve this problem, which also draws them away from each other & continue in their own world. And when their children come along, they get more TVs.

Or in this case, the husband may decide, well... let’s watch TV together... but the preference of TV shows may differ from husband & wife. For me, it doesn’t help that our local TV shows are down-right lousy! So maybe one of them may suggest that they watch a video together, but same problem... in my case, I enjoy watching action movies, but my wife doesn’t like them much (it’s quite obvious from her expression).

How about doing activities together? One party may be more outgoing than the other & it might spark differences again. My wife would ask why she can live with being simple, but I am not. It’s just our different background, interests & personality! For example, I am thinking of learning to scuba dive, but my wife is not interested. I am keen to take up rock climbing, but my wife is also not interested. Honestly, I also have a much-suppressed interest in playing paint ball & Laser Quest, but I have yet to find anyone who would be interested to join me. My wife is interested to learn piano & cooking, but I am not into that. Well, it is good that we support each other’s interests, but I have been reflecting about what exactly do we do together now & in the long term? The way things are going, we aren’t going to have anything in common!

I see that happening in almost every couple relationship that I know of. One guy is interested in collecting limited edition toys, but the girl is interested in piano. Another guy is interested in playing pool, but the girl is interested in shopping. Another guy is interested in watching action movies, but the girl prefers romantic or comedy. Another guy likes to talk about life, but the girl avoids because she doesn’t want to see this as reality. Another guy likes to watch soccer, but the girl prefers to watch Korean dramas. Another guy likes to swim, but the girl doesn’t want to spoil her hair. Another guy likes to go outdoors & take photographs of nature, but the girl prefers to stay home & avoid the sun. Another guy likes adventure sports, but the girl doesn’t like to sweat. Another guy likes to watch documentaries about war, but the girl prefers to watch TV shows about travel. Another guy is interested in gadgets of the latest technology, but the girl prefers fashion & clothes. Wow... there’s a lot of things that men do, ya? But for the difference with girls, I can simply sum it up in one super short sentence – shopping, music & drama shows. And these are just about each gender’s interests & hobbies... I haven’t even brought up other issues like religion, bringing up children, clash of careers, etc.

Is this how opposites attract? How does that even happen? How does it last, coz sooner or later, each party starts to wonder what attracted them in the first place? Is the final decision to stay together going to be because it is a Christian relationship or marriage & the other party is just stable enough to live together?

If the guy manages to join an interest club & finally get a chance to do these things, he would find more friends to go out with, which is good... (let’s not go into the topic about what may happen when the guy finds members of the opposite sex that are also interested in the same interests as him)... but the point is – how would their marital relationship develop? Only when they have children? And when that happens, would the couple really be developing their marital relationship, or are they actually getting busy about their children? It’s no wonder that couples are beginning to wonder what they were attracted to each other in the early days... even my parents.

So, what do married couples like us do together anyway? Eat dinner together, watch an occasional movie that we can accept, go for a short overseas holiday once in a while during school holidays, go for an occasional jog or swim together, meet up with parents and in-laws for a meal, attend & serve in church and raise children together. That’s about it that I can think of, at this point of time.

From this list, the more regular activities are eating dinner, visiting parents & in-laws, serve in church & probably a more regular exercise together. Well, that’s about what we have been doing all these months anyway. That’s mainly the usual stuff about living together as a married couple... but we have almost no interest in common... hopefully taking part in runs together. But there is nothing much to spice up marriage & keep the fire going. I guess at this point of time, it is really dependent on our CG activities to really do different things together. It’s odd to think that it is doing things together as a CG that keeps this part of our marriage together.

Of course, there is always the constant nagging feeling to doing as much work as possible at home coz our teaching job is endless. But then again, what’s new... we had expected it when we entered the service. Yet, how much do we choose to let our jobs eat into our personal lives? No wonder the senior teachers in our school say that they have SOLD their soul to this job. Now, here comes another challenging part about living together – how we slot in time for work at home.

For some couples, they would choose to stay back late at work to finish up before coming home. But the question is – what time would they really be back? For teaching, schools should close by 7pm (unless they are in the steering committee which has meetings till past 8pm). But what about if a couple is working in the corporate sector? I have worked in the corporate sector for 4 years & I know how it is like, except that teachers can’t work that late, so they end up bringing work home.

Not that it is wrong to bring back work to do at home (especially in the case of working as a teacher) but the question is how do we prioritise work at home? I was in the HR line before & I remembered my manager REBUKING me that the nature of work has changed from last time. Now successful professionals have to learn to juggle both work and family commitments at the same time & at the same place. Gone are the days where we just do our work at the office & come home. In this modern age of work, people bring work back home to do & it has become essential to work at home. Work doesn’t stop at the office. Work is part of our daily life. Even weekends, we need to check e-mail & do work at home, so that we can keep up with what’s going on and be successful.

So, if we think that this is about teaching, think again... it’s not. In fact, it can be a lot worse, if we are working in the corporate world. Bosses demand turn-around time within the same working day. If there is a technical disruption, it HAS to be resolved in a matter of hours, within the same day, if not the company would incur major losses & penalties. My ex-ex-ex-colleague was sacked because of this. Believe me; it is not just about worrying that a parent would call to ask why her child’s workbook is not marked. But then again, it’s really about work in the end, corporate or non-corporate; in the office or back at home; single or married.

In this case of a married couple, their difference in perspective of work can severely alter the dynamics of their relationship... & in a Christian marriage, we can change our job, but we can’t change our spouse. For some, that becomes a real problem. Worse still, when children come along, this matter gets worse. That’s why there are so many issues of child misbehaviour SIMPLY due to the lack of parental support & non-nurturing family background. Believe me; we get that a lot in school nowadays. Teachers & even counsellors can’t do much, if the family situation does not reinforce it. Sadly, I believe that there are children of these teachers themselves, who fall into this category as well... or worse still, their own children beyond parental control. How is our job & salary worth, really? And some career driven parents can tell me that each of their hours is more costly, so it makes more economic sense to hire a maid to spend time with the child. They can earn more in an hour, compared to how much they pay a maid.

Even if it is not about children; how about the rising cases of divorce in Singapore nowadays? Why can’t it include teachers? I am dead-sure that it does. Why not? Our country is experiencing a 40 – 50% divorce rate in these recent years & the figures are increasing year by year. I have personally known of a couple who separated because of their severe differences in perspective & prioritising of their job. Think about it – crime rate is going down, but divorce rates are going up. Go figure!

Why should divorce only be because of marital infidelity? Can’t it be because of differences & difficulty of living together? The truth is – that ACTUALLY happens MORE often than marital infidelity nowadays! People are finding it harder to live together nowadays because of how different their lives have been before they are married. For some, it is also because of how different they want their lives to continue to be, EVEN after being married. It could be about pursuing their peak in their career, or simply just being in a job that demands so much of their lives that their marital relationship or even family breaks down. Believe me; it is true!

Like it or not, the challenge of making time to do more for work is not just in the office, but even at home. Everyone wants to achieve more. For some, it is about personal career satisfaction & for others; it may be just to keep their job. I don’t know how much about what the Bible says about not being a part of this world is reflected & lived out in our modern lives nowadays. We are all sucked in. Some are by choice, whereas others are by demands.

In this modern age, people are living longer... but are they really living? What can they POSSIBLY be living for, if they are just striving to squeeze as much work to be done, within 24 hours? And can you believe it, there are devices that are marketed to help people accomplish as much as 48 hours of work, within 24 hours! If they keep this up, someone had better come up with another better device to help people accomplish 36 hours of work, within 24 hours!

The truth is – what we do not realise is how much work is affecting our very lives, our marital relationships, our friendships, our meaningful involvement in God’s work, our children... & even our eating, our sleep... & also how it affects our own heart. Need I remind everyone that stress is also a major contributor of disease in humans? Do we believe that we can overwork our heart? I don’t think so coz many of us work as if we are invincible, overly important or indispensible! We feel so important at work that we just want to keep going! Or we feel so worried about what the bosses, principal, HODs & parents would think of us that we keep on striving & stressing our bodies, mind & heart.

I learnt this concept about life some years ago & it has never failed to prove itself true – that we have to give up something, to get something. In the end, we have to ask ourselves how much that thing is worth. Is it worth killing ourselves, getting sick & paying countless doctors’ bills? Is it worth 10 years of trying to get pregnant, paying tens of thousands of dollars & still unable to conceive? Is it worth risking a miscarriage? Is it worth the impact of how our children would grow up? Is it worth losing our marriage; or for that matter, even if we keep our marriage, but lose the quality of it?

What is it that we fear in the end? Losing our job? How much of our lives do we REALLY, REALLY, REALLY submit & surrender to God? Coz if we surrender & give our hearts, lives & jobs to Him, all these won’t be happening. And definitely not at this escalating scale in society. And we are not talking about a far away developed nation... we are talking about Singapore... we are talking about the very own spouse, family, friends & people that we see around us every day.

The question is – What are going to do about this?